Digg Blows

So, you want to post a link to Digg, and you’re wondering what topics you should cover… Well the answer is simple. Just pick one of: Apple, Ubuntu (Fiesty Fawn), Web 2.0/CSS, or Facebook, and you’ll do ok. Now, you don’t have to just do an article like “What is Facebook?” or “Why I like Ubuntu”. Have fun with it, and borrow from the other common ingredients which make up virtually all Digg stories like adding “[pics]” to the title. Of course,  you can’t really use [pics] if you don’t have [pics], so this is particularly good for a post like: “Concepts for Ubuntu Fiesty Fawn Desktop [pics]” or “Possible new Apple iPhone in 2008?? [pics]”

Of course if “[pics]” don’t work, you can leverage your blog and use the “Top x” formula. The “Top x” formula dictates that you provide “x” number of ways to accomplish something, reasons for liking or disliking something, reasons to buy or wait to buy something, ways to improve something (typically your blog), or examples of something (usually Web 2.0/CSS/lists). This is brilliant, because you can easily think up 10 ways to do something. If you can’t, make shit up; nobody will know. If you lack all creativity, no fear: do a Digg search for “Top 10 ways” and you’ll get shitload of results you can hijack. And don’t worry about hijacking information; that’s what made Digg so successful.

I guess you could also try to stray off-topic a bit too. Like instead of posting about “Apple” proper, you could just make a post about Steve Jobs or Steve Wozniak… the average Digger will know you’re talking about Apple. Write one called “Awesome Web Logos” or “How to make your list look like butter” and they’ll know you mean Web 2.0.

See how easy this is? Digg isn’t about presenting information to the hungry reader. Digg is about exploiting the truly stupid people. Digg is about getting you to read someone else’s work via their website, so they can sell advertising to you. Digg is about getting Joe Anybody to do all the work, Joe Somebody-Else to consume the work, so that Kevin Rose and his band of Trekkies can get paid. Don’t be a sucker

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No assface..the title does NOT say it all. If you’re going to leave a description about a link you’re posting then explain it to us. Is this an informative article? Oh wait, nothing on Digg is informative anymore…nevermind. Nonetheless, tell us what the article is about, why we should view it, and maybe even a note on how you found it.

“The title says it all” is one of those strings the goddamned digg submission engine should be able to parse out and keep dumbass people like you from posting it. Of course, that’s just perposterous; Digg would never do anything to police itself beyond what is legally required.

If the title said it all, there would be no reason to go to the source and read/view it for ourselves. If the title said it all, you wouldn’t have needed to link to it. You maggots are so goddamned lazy that you can’t even type out: “These picture are hi-res photos of the underside of a butterfly’s wing.” Instead, you post the title “Butterfly Pictures [AWESOME]” then describe it as “Title says it all.” Fuck, if it took me 14 seconds to type that sentence, it took me four years. Show some dedication to being a melonhead.

I know I’m not alone on this one….even the die-hard, hardcore digg fanatics agree with this one. Nobody likes the “Title says it all” bullshit. Cut that shit out, losers.

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Sorry for the delay in a getting a good rant out here about the Internet’s “Great Satan”. I’ve been busy fighting other evils here in Pittsburgh. I don’t know how it happened, but I became instrumental to a protest being organized to stifle the poor ownership tactics of the Pittsburgh Pirates front office. The protest and rally is scheduled for June 30, 2007 and I’ll presumably be a little busy until then. Once the heat is off there, I promise to make up for lost time.

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While I can’t take credit for making the lemming analogy I can’t say I disagree either. The cattle herd mentality runs rampant within the digg community. Without it, digg would fail. When I say lemmings or cattle herd, I’m talking - of course - about the fact that what one sacred digg user does the rest must do, blindly, and without fail. If #1DiggUser wants to make a story popular, it must be made popular. Everyone jumps on the band wagon and pushes a story through.

Most famously are the fanboy postings, although they’re not alone. A fanboy - by definition - is a person who is so in love with a person, product, or brand that they damn near ejaculate over any little tidbit of information released about whatever person, product, or brand they’re in love with. Apple is a big one. Everytime someone posts a story entitled something like: “Apple iPhone Physical Dimensions Released (WITH PHOTOS)” or “Jobs on iPhone: I love it”, the fanboys get excited to the point where they…

1. Damn near ejaculate
2. Digg, comment, defend their idols, and destroy those opposed

…both to the point of illness. It’s unsettling that there are people out there like that, but sure enough there are, and Digg thrives on them. Of course, if one fanboy loves “it”, all fanboys will too. It’s the cattle mentality.

While flocking together is all too common and a fucking joke, it’s not the worst behavior of the digg user. The worst demonstration of the digg user is the comments section. For it is in the comments that you discover everything you need to know about the kind of people who religiously use digg. While the lemmings all follow the one ahead of them and leave the “True dat..” or “w00t” type comments, you’ll always find one person who disagrees with the story in question. When this happens, look at the comments that follow. You’ll find the blind, mindless digg users doing the following:

1. Picking out spelling or grammatical erros
2. Chewing up and spitting out the other’s personal beliefs
3. Comment gang rape
4. Bury…bury…bury

It’s as if nobody’s opinion matters unless it’s completely in sync with the general concensus on the comment board. Don’t dare tell the room where you stand on the issue if you oppose, as your comment will never see the light of day. Of course, this is a bullshit feature of digg - a feature which fosters and promotes the growth of this mob mentality. If I gave a shit, I would wish they’d get rid of it.

On some levels you can’t blame these people for being assholes to those with descending opinions. At some degree we all have to realize that digg users basically boil down to a mass-collection of “Miltons” from Office Space. If you’ve never seen the movie, Milton was the guy that nobody respected at all. He got shit on, pushed around, and humiliated at every opportunity. Most digg users are like that in real life I bet. They come to digg and push other people around, because they can’t do it in real life. They get themselves a badass alter-ego, a tough-sounding handle/screen name, and put their geek genius to work by kicking the digital ass instead of the flesh and blood ass. How sad? It’s like the kid who can’t play baseball to save his mother’s life buying the baseball video game and tearing up the online community.

Being a badass online, and a pussy offline doesn’t mean shit because at some point, you have to get up and walk away from the computer, shut down your browser, and be a real person. No matter how much time you spend online, you’ll always be a loser.

Digg users essentially need to get a life. They need give up the lemming mentality and go their own way. Be original, be creative, and be a human. Will that ever happen? Not a fucking chance…unless it’s what’s popular on digg on any given day.

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It still astounds me that people give digg the traffic numbers they do, but people apparently do. It’s like they’re being sucked in to a cult like the Heaven’s Gate or Branch-Davidian morons. The difference is that Digg has an international profile and following. If Kevin Rose ever decided he wanted Digg to be a cult, all he’d have to do is demand people inject antifreeze into their own bloodstreams, and the earth’s population would go down about 20%.

If frequenting digg’s website every 4-5 minutes isn’t enough digg for you, you’re also welcome to read the “Digg Blog“. Yep that’s right…the morons who run and build digg will let you into their intimate lives, and talk to you like you’re people to them. In reality, it’s more like a “Jedi Mind” trick, wherein you read the blog and they keep you interested in Digg. Think about Obi-Wan Kenobi waving his hand in front of your face and repeating “You will continue to read digg.” It’s almost that obvious. I mean why the hell else would we care about what a bunch of San Franciscan developers think about anything?

The Digg Blog is a great place to get a fill of the news as it applies to digg. Ironically, the Digg Blog is more news and information than digg. Go fuckin’ figure. In fact, it’s a great source of information for a guy like me, who hates digg. Check out what I learned today while parusing the Digg Blog this morning:

Title: A Diggable Digg River
What it’s about: How the mobile phone version of digg has been streamlined. Ok…if you’re a digg junkie to the point where you need to get your fix on a cell phone, I would like to kick your ass because you are an asshole.

Title: Help Spread The Word, And Get Your Name On The Digg Homepage!
What it’s about: Hey folks, you can be bribed by the potential of seeing your own name on digg’s homepage. All you have to do is indoctrinate other people with digg’s garbage and invite them. Notice the use of language “Spread the Word”… as if Digg were some noble grassroots cause which needs the word-of-mouth support that fledgling do-gooder groups need to grow.

Title: Digg/Facebook App Now Live!
What it’s about: Hey kids…We know you don’t read the news much, but that’s ok…Digg isn’t about news! Now you can integrate your Digg and Facebook profiles with each other so  you can potentially make Digg more money!

I think three is enough. What a bunch of losers these guys are for writing that garbage. What a pack of idiots the digg community is for reading them. (Of course I am the exception, I’m doing research…)

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